PSA Part II

 

Hurt children learned early in their lives that smiles are not to be trusted.

They know adult actions may end in pain.

They are hard-wired by early experiences to know that the only safety is in total and complete control of their emotional and physical environment.

---Parenting the Hurt Child

 

 

 



   I thought that I'd sit down to write part II of what I've learned thus far in parenting Will (or trying to). It's been a hard day. The house has seemed slightly chaotic with complaining, crying, and just general discontentment from all the children. Will has cried off and on for most of the day. So, these thoughts are good reminders for myself as we press on in a devotion to love as Christ loves us. Total and sacrificial love.

 

5. You can't know what you don't know. Whatever age your child is when he or she is brought into your family---BIG chunks of their past are missing and probably gone forever. I really have to remember this when William reacts in a manner which I find "strange". I don't know his past. When these "orphan moments" (as we like to call them) arise, I'm quick to remember that his actions are rooted in something...some event...some circumstance that I didn't witness. Some examples: Whenever I do speak to Will in a stricter tone, he runs to a specific corner in our house and stays there until he's ready to come out. I don't know why. Maybe he was put in the corner in the orphanage?? All I know is that he feels the need to do it and he ain't moving until he's good and ready. Control. He has a fascination with closing doors, flicking light switches, and ordering things. He carries his cup around all day long. It has to be in his hand. These things are a mystery to me, but it's part of who he is at the moment. So, give yourself grace that you weren't there during his childhood to understand how the puzzle was originally put together. Just work with the pieces you have.

 

6. Study your child. I think this really goes back to being present...fully present. I spend a lot of time just watching Will. I know he is beginning to sound like my little science project, but watching him is very revealing. Occasionally, through watching him and playing with him, I can fill in one of those missing puzzle pieces and provide and explanation for a certain behavior. This happened soon after we returned home. Any time I'd been out with him, he would come into the house and begin pulling at my feet and ankles. I finally figured out that he wanted my shoes and socks off because in Chinese homes you do not enter the house wearing outside shoes and socks. He is very pleased with me when I remember to kick off my shoes! Makes sense, right? Easy enough. I know that he likes to group things by color and wants to see how things work. He likes for all the t.v. remotes to be in the same place so organization is important to him. He is a very clever little guy. He's probably picked up 20 English words and several phrases. The boy is a fast learner. I feel like I'm getting to know him at a faster rate by just sitting near him and watching him and interacting with him when he feels like having a playmate.

 

7. Be patient. BE PATIENT. I'd better settle in and wait because it's going to take a long time for this superficial relationship to deepen into genuine love on his part. I've been looking at his picture for over a year. He's been looking into my face for three weeks. I want so badly for him to want me and to need me and to be completely comforted by my presence and embrace. But all relationships take time and investment. I'm committed to both and if you've decided to adopt then you are too. Patience really has to be a thread that runs through every part of this experience. I have to be patient with the other children when they feel neglected or frustrated or just plain sick and tired of Will's crying (Ben walks around with his hands over his ears). I have to be patient with Brent when he looks at me with eyes that say---he's crying AGAIN??? I have to be patient with myself and remember that all those hours of holding a baby and feeding a baby and caressing a baby were absent from Will's life and I'm starting over. He's starting over. Two years of difficult can't be erased in three weeks. It will come. I know it will come.

 

8. It's less about changing him and more about changing me. Sure I want Will to heal and grow. But I'm realizing daily that it's me who needs to change. There's so very much I need to change about myself as I work daily in my role as wife and mother. Adoption forces change. The hours I have prayed and the middle-of-the-night conversations with God have begun to turn from praying for certain desired outcomes in my children to praying for a heart change within myself. The Maker needs to remake me. I need a gentle spirit and wise words. I need patience and compassion. I need discernment. Perhaps then the little people under my care will begin to change as they watch their mother change. I'm weary from the carousel-ride of trying to change myself. Failing. Surrendering. Letting God temporarily take over. The ride keeps running and I don't know when I got on or how to get off. I think adoption has slowed the ride a little because I just can't do this. God is going to have to do it through me and He's going to change me to do it. Praise God! The rescuer comes for me again.

 

  I've put all the children to bed now and for the first time all day the house is quiet and still. If I could close with any advice, it would be to remember the call. If God has called you to adopt then reminding yourself of His beckoning towards adoption will help you plant your feet and stand firm. I know the sweet peace of being nestled right in the center of God's will. I feel it now. I know we are doing exactly what He wants us to do. It's what kept me in China when I wanted to run. It's what keeps me calm and tender towards Will when he rejects me over and over. It's what causes my heart to swell when he does run to me or allow me to hold him tightly. Nothing about this is easy and God never promised us easy, did He? But He made many more promises to me personally in His word and I don't have to pray for them. I already have them by way of being his heir and daughter.

  Each eveing as night falls and Will is in my arms before bed, I sing Jesus Loves Me in hushed tones. I sing it for him. I sing it for me.

 

 

JESUS LOVES ME

“Jesus loves me—this I know,
For the Bible tells me so:
Little ones to him belong,—
They are weak, but he is strong.

 

Chorus:
Yes, Jesus loves me,
Yes, Jesus loves me,
Yes, Jesus loves me-
The Bible tells me so!

 

“Jesus loves me,—he who died
Heaven’s gate to open wide;
He will wash away my sin,
Let his little child come in.

Chorus

 

“Jesus loves me—loves me still,
Though I’m very weak and ill;
From his shining throne on high
Comes to watch me where I lie.

Chorus

 

“Jesus loves me,—he will stay
Close beside me all the way.
Then his little child will take
Up to heaven for his dear sake.”

Chorus