Our Lives on the Hill

Our God is marvelous. He created us with such detail and delicacy that I just marvel at the complexity of his creation. Take, for instance, the orphan brain. I've been reading a lot about what Will has experienced and is experiencing since his abandonment at just fourteen days old. Did you know that even a newborn who is adopted from birth (i.e. taken home from the hospital) knows the separation from  its biological mother and the brain begins to stress and change? Adrenaline increases (fight or flight) and cortisol (the chemical which manages stress) decreases dramatically. Orphans have a very low level of oxytocin, a socializing biochemical, and therefore they are resistant to touch or play. The list goes on and on. It is so evident that God created us to connect. When important connections are severed, the brain goes wild in rebellion. But in the beauty of a skilled creator's hand, the one and only God allows the orphan brain to be restored slowly. Our journey to restore Will is just beginning. While his brain is changeable, it is not erasable. We are seeking to build new pathways--no easy task.
  We've been home almost a week now and it's been a insightful week. I learn huge amounts about Will each and every day. Here are the good points-- He smiles and laughs and accepts affection. He will make eye contact with me and play games with me where he has to maintain a stare (Peek-a-boo). This is good because it's making a direct connection. He will mimic me and my name (Mama). Again, he's connecting me with a role in his life. He will take my hand and lead me somewhere--connecting. I try to do this with him off and on all day and it's exhausting. I'm always in close proximity--usually right next to him while he's playing. I want to discourage independence and encourage his dependence on me. I want him to know that I can provide all of his needs. In essence, I'm working super hard to gain trust and I wish there was a quick way to accomplish this. There isn't. We'll be working on this for years to come because his brain is wired to survive alone.
   The challenges: any gentle reprimand results in a total melt-down. If we show any displeasure at all, he freaks out. We have to balance our knowledge of how fragile it is to discipline orphans at this stage in our relationship with the need to establish boundaries for the sake of our other children. He cannot hit them, snatch from them etc... It ain't going well. He is very possessive. You touch his shoes--it's over. If he has a toy that he wants to hold all day and you mess with it--it's over. He has a very strong Will (perhaps he's living up to his name). It's like walking on eggshells. You just don't know what will launch Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde into an alarming fit of tears, screaming, kicking, swatting etc... You kind of want to step back, look at his darling face, and say-- "This is coming from that???" It's bad. It's "call the Super-Nanny" bad.
 As we stumble along depositing minuscule amounts into Will's trust bank, I'm so thankful that I have a Savior who is trustworthy and faithful to me. As our relationship with our son strengthens, he'll begin to call up past occurrences where we have proven faithful. When I'm facing giant challenges or little anxieties, I can call up a twenty four plus year track record of God's faithfulness to me. He too discourages independence and encourages dependence on Him. I love that I can see myself in Will. When he's struggling with his identity I can share that I too struggle with mine. For our identity is not in the temporary earthly relationships of parents but in the only dependable never failing relationship with our Heavenly Father.
   The photos below show a little of how Will is relating to the children. He is connecting with the girls first because he had three foster sisters. He is not all that taken with Ben, and when he wants Ben's toys--Ben is not all that taken with him! It's going to take a long time for Will to learn how to be part of a family. But he is part of our family. I love him. I'm beginning to understand him. I'm learning that he will never be exclusively mine. By necessity--I have to open my life up to his foster mother and biological mother (even though she's unknown) so that it's always a part of how we relate to him.  I can't pretend that they don't exist.

 

 We're thinking of planting two shrubs to represent his foster family and biological family so that he has something concrete to visit. Our roots are all going to grow together into this wonderful picture of God's family---glorious ruins.