Adoption Public Service Announcement

  Today's blog is especially for my friends who are currently in the process of adopting....and for myself when I need a reminder of what to focus on during these early days. I want to share some thoughts that might provide some helpful insight into how to prepare for the time when you walk through the door of your home with your new child in arms. I  have a whole month's worth of experience which makes the following advice highly reputable, don't you think? I thought so. Will, hopefully you'll read this one day and see how loved you are and how far we've come.
Here goes.
1. Get educated. It's time to turn off Dancing with the Stars and pick up some books which offer realistic expectations about what adopted children are like and, furthermore, equip you with helpful strategies for dealing with behaviors that are probably unfamiliar to you.  I read a few books during the adoption process, but I had several here in the house for when we came home.  I wanted to be reading in the midst of our transition so that I wouldn't forget the information and also so that I could look at my child in action and apply the appropriate recommendations immediately. I recommend 1) Parenting your Internationally Adopted Child by Patty Cogen 2) The Connected Child by Dr. Karen Purvis and 3) Parenting the Hurt Child by Gregory Keck and Regina Kupecky.
You will not be sorry that you read these books. Orphans come into your care pre-wired in very specific ways. Adoption research reveals consistent patterns of behavior among most orphans and understanding   the wiring system is invaluable to how you approach your new child. The main reason (apart from grace) that I'm not curled up in the fetal position within the dark confines of my basement right now is because I know what to expect and I can calm myself down by saying: this is normal. No matter how disturbing a behavior may be- when you know that it is normal for a child to be exhibiting such behavior at this stage of adoption, it makes you feel encouraged and empowered.
***note: If you have the opportunity to attend one of Karen Purvis' Empowered To Connect conferences you MUST go. For Brent and I, it was the single best tool to equip us for adoption. She is a phenomenally dynamic and entertaining speaker. The content is intriguing and you will leave feeling like you have a solid foundation on which to build once you return home with your child.
2. Hibernate. If you look up the word "social" in the dictionary, there's my picture and I'm just a smiling and a waving. I absolutely love people and I thrive on fellowship and companionship and camaraderie etc... But when you return from Who-Knows-Whereville with your son or daughter you have to withdraw for an indefinite period of time. I resigned from every committee, activity, and commitment that I was involved in. I plan on being a vapor for several months and I feel great about it. If you want any shot of strongly and deeply attaching with your child, you have to be present. It really is that simple.  The same goes for taking your child out and about. Really limit it. The more faces he sees, the more confused he becomes about who you are. To put it in perspective, right now William can endure only about 20 minutes of concentrated interaction (i.e. taking him to a friend's house or to church etc...) before he completely melts down.
3. Prepare your children and family.  By choosing to adopt, you (via God) have made a monumental decision on behalf of your children and family members. They have (perhaps unwillingly) been pulled into a really hard place with a child who can be, quite honestly, difficult to love. I should have prepared the children for the amount of crying they would have to endure. With an eight, six, and four year old in the house, we don't really hear a lot of screaming crying like babies do. Enter William to remind us. The kids initially were really bothered by it. They kept asking me to make it stop and I couldn't! It also created a nasty habit of them giving Will whatever he wanted to avoid the on-set of a crying fit. Reassure your children that the crying is normal and is temporary. Try to make them understand what he's feeling. Try to explain why he needs so much care and attention from Mommy right now etc... The same with family members. Transition will go more smoothly if you explain some of that fabulous orphan behavior information you gleaned from those great books above :) That way, Grandma won't run away the first time your child throw an earth-shaking tantrum when all she did is say hello and look him in the eye!!!!!!!
4. Establish some boundaries. Others may disagree, but I feel that one has to establish some immediate boundaries with an adopted child. I can't let Will come in to our family and commandeer every toy from my other children and then persist to scream like a Howler Monkey when he doesn't get it. I can't allow him to hit me or my children. So we sternly tell him NO. If he hits me, I take his hand and show him how to touch my face gently and say sternly, "We do not hit Mommy".  He is understanding already and I've seen a reduction in fit-throwing when his brother or sister has something that he wants. It's a start.

......more to come. You're on the edge of your seat, I know.
I'll leave you with some encouragement--the face I get to see when he's calm and happy. It spurs me on.