A Follow-up to Wednesday...

Here's an excerpt from yesterday's reading in Scotty Smith's book Everyday Prayers. I love this book! So often what he writes about in his prayers pertains to something I'm personally going through. I found this entry especially beautiful and related to Wednesday's woes. Read on, Friends, and be encouraged.

The burden and confusion I'm feeling are clearly connected to old wounds with lingering pain. Sometimes fresh hurts become like a magnifying glass or a megaphone by which you remind us of unfinished business in our souls. Like broken bone that wasn't set properly, broken hearts that weren't healed the first time are susceptible to new pain.
Jesus, I need you. Flood my heart with your presence. Kiss my soul with the assurance that you are enough. Confirm the promise that we can--that I can--do all things through you as you give us strength. Give me the sufficient grace you have pledged.
Be the great Warrior of our hearts as you rebuke the devil on our behalf. Don't let the dark one seize this current situation for spewing his toxins. I don't have a thousand tongues to praise you, but let my one tongue speak with the wisdom of the gospel, rather than wag with the poison of gossip.
 As the day unfolds, help me separate the issues at hand. I need wisdom to deal with the pressing concerns right before me. I cannot afford to drag the stockpile of old pain into this day. If I do that, I will get defensive and will be on the offensive. As usual, this isn't about me, but your glory.
 Jesus, help me walk today as a man of faith, hope, and love with the people I care greatly about. Give us the wisdom and power you promise. Bring much glory to yourself. Write stories of repentance and restoration by the grace and truth of the gospel. I pray in your most worth and gracious name. Amen.

Wow. Not much I can add to that. I've dog-earred this page and when Satan brings to the surface pains which I thought had been conquered, I'm going to read this over and over and pray it for myself. He is enough, isn't He?

The Blogging Truth

  To all the bloggers out there with pasted on smiles and monogrammed aprons--I'm not you. I didn't jar fresh salsa today or make cookies with my six home-schooled children. I didn't volunteer at a homeless shelter and then mentor at the YMCA. Want to know my blogging truth today? Today I woke up feeling completely unlovable and I walked that path all day. The previous night had whispered my shortcomings to me and my mind was set in that mode upon waking. I tried to re-program. I reached for my devotional and read scripture and prayed that I would let go of these thoughts and find joy in the day...that I could see in the mirror the miracle of His creation. All I could see was an aging failure. I fought all day long to do as Colossians 3:2 commands and set my mind on things above, not on the things that are on earth. But in the quiet moments of my day I would be transported back to the career I never had, the guy who didn't want me, the woman who looks better than me, the mother who loves stronger than me, and on and on. Today I was hopelessly earth-bound.
  In Emily Freeman's book Grace for the Good Girl, she writes that her mind has not yet caught up with the reality that her spirit has now been united with God's Spirit and that her true identity is found there. She sympathises with me when she writes:
The reality is I am safe.
My mind still lives in fear.
The reality is that I am loved.
My mind still races to find ways to ensure my acceptance.
The reality is I have worth.
My mind dwells on thoughts of self-hatred.
...the unseen mind is an unruly battlefield.

Maybe I won't ever write that book that I feel is inside of me. Perhaps I won't be the pioneer for orphans or the next Mother Teresa of missions. Those last five pounds may just hug tight to me and I'll never know why so-and-so dumped me (apart from the fact that he was clearly insane ;). But I am a daughter of the King and I have worth. As I write this tonight before bed, I pray that you too will sleep tonight resting in the peace that our value is in Him and not anything else that this world offers. We have days like this, don't we? But let's not camp in this ugly spot. Let's move on to tomorrow and fresh mercies. Let's walk another day trusting our Lord and asking Him what His plan is for our life.  And let's remember---in heaven, I'll be perfect :)

Abundant Christian Living

But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.
Matthew 6:3-4

As someone who loves to take credit for everything I do (or don't do for that matter), I stand in amazement when someone reaches out in full anonymity and blesses me. An action like that tells me that the giver wants glory to go to God alone and not to man. It is selfless giving and sacrificial giving. It inspires me to do the same and let the reward be God's fullness in me instead of man's praise of me. As Gordon MacDonald writes in his book Secrets of the Generous Life, "The spiritual maturity of generous givers makes them immune to the need to be praised by others. It causes them to anticipate God's approval and to long for that above all else." Wow. I am an instinctively selfish person.
Adoption has been an amazing forum to see God's prompting of others to bless us in totally wonderful and unexpected ways. For example,  several months ago someone put an envelope into Ben's school backpack containing $300 cash. No name. No message other than it was for our adoption. I still have no idea who it was, but my heart was filled that day and remains filled by that action. We have gotten several surprise checks in the mail from people who have families of their own, debts of their own, and yet they offer up funds to us in obedience to God. That is very humbling.
A really fun surprise came a few weeks ago when I was told that there was something in the church office for my family. I swung by the office and found a Kleenex box waiting for us. The top was covered over with a tab sticking out that said "Pull Here". I leaned down to give the kids the opportunity to pull and this is what happened......

They pulled and pulled and pulled---$10.00 bills taped together in one continuous strand of blessing.

It seemed like the end would never come and the kids were squealing with delight (I was watching with jaw dropped).

Three hundred dollars in cash. Wow. What an amazing testimony to myself and my children that God provides. It was an act which allowed my kids to tangibly see our prayers being answered. That lesson goes way beyond dollars. To whomever did that for us---thank you.  Thank you. To the person who wrote me a letter on Mother's Day along with a $200 gift card to Wal-Mart--thank you. I shopped for almost everything we need for Will during our travels--medicines, clothing, shoes, pajamas, bottles, diapers, sippy cups...you name it. He has it all now thanks to that thoughtful act of generosity.
Abundant Christian living doesn't exclusively mean financially. Countless people have babysat my children so that I could take advantage of opportunities to make a little extra money. One individual keeps my children and then sends me home with freshly baked banana bread! (I'm never going to stop being her friend). I mean, COME ON!!! Parents have allowed me to tutor their precious children. A Birmingham business owner has allowed me to work for her during the week and on Saturdays. People that I hardly know have handed me money in the halls of Westminster because they heard we are adopting and they have a heart for orphans. God is at work in the lives of his people and he's using you all to fund the homecoming of this little boy--His child.
 Here comes my plea for you and for me. Be generous. Be so wrecklessly generous that it makes absolutely no sense. Give when you can't afford to. Obey when you're told to. Test the Lord and as Malachi 3:10 says:
Bring the full tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. And thereby put me to the test, says the LORD of hosts, if I will not open the windows of heaven for you and pour down for you a blessing until there is no more need.
One of the most special gifts we have received thus far was from a young lady who drove a check to my house and while she was handing it over to me, she confessed that she had been praying the entire way to my house that God would give her the strength and grace to hand it over and to let it go. That's true faith, Friends. Giving when you want to keep. Trusting God's promises when your circumstances say you need the money more than anyone.
You won't believe the feeling you experience when you give of the resources the Lord has blessed you with. The joy that giving brings is contagious. The recipient will find themselves as we are--forever changed and able to see God's money as a tool to accomplish great things for His kingdom. Money will have new meaning as you seek to have it work for you instead of you working for it. And when the Holy Spirit moves in you--listen and act accordingly. Don't miss out on the opportunity to see the Lord's power breaking through your circumstances. He'll amaze you. The money you thought you couldn't give comes back. The repairs you anticipate end up somehow costing less. The monthly bills experience an inexplicable dip and it's because the Lord is honoring you for honoring Him as His faithful steward.
Hear me now: look around you at the great needs our world has. If you have a friend experiencing job loss--send them a giftcard for groceries. Someone is sick? Keep a meal in your freezer and take it to them. Give a couple struggling for happiness in their marriage a night out with free babysitting. Be creative! Use the specific talents and skills the Lord has given you to serve others. We have a responsibility to do that.  Leave an anonymous gift for that special grocery store cashier who always bags your groceries and chats happily. Support a mission trip. Give to a special project in your church. Pay part of someone else's private school tuition. The possibilities are endless.  Ask the Lord to put people in your path who need you. He'll do it!
We are trusting God to provide the remaining funds needed for travel. We are praying that during this time when we are drinking deeply from the well of blessings that God would be working so that we, in time, will be the giver of abundant gifts. We look ever upward to God as the ultimate example of giving until it hurts---when he gave up his son to the bitter cross for me. I pray we will be worth the investment.

Give me an L-O-C!!!!!

When I was waiting quietly for the Lord, His heart was turned to me, and He gave ear to my cry." Psalms 40:1

I've been having very vivid dreams about our China trip for several days now. I can see the orphanage and the faces of the workers. I'm standing with my arms outstretched waiting for Will to be placed within them. I can see his tiny face and feel his hair against my cheek. It feels so real. My dreams grow my yearning for him--for fantasy to yield to reality. I just want our time to come. Monday was a really difficult day for me. I was impatient and low. I prayed to my Father to hasten this process and to bring word from China. The next day He did.
The call came from our agency that our Letter of Confirmation was in! This is a milestone because now we just wait for travel approval. Yes, we have more paperwork to do. Yes, we have more money to raise. But the clock is ticking until we board the plane and head to retrieve our son. I can't express the gratitude I feel to God for bringing us through yet another phase of this process. His power is so evident in our lives as he navigates the steps associated with uniting Will with us. It is all Him. And His work is not yet done.
Last night we joyfully filled out immigration papers for Will and an application for Will's visa to be issued. We'll have it all in the mail by Friday and then we wait again. We hope to receive approval to travel in two to three months. TWO TO THREE MONTHS! That's not long and that time will be filled with preparations, packing, more paperwork, gathering travel documents, making arrangements for the children etc...There will be work for my hands to do. And I'll be praying. Praying for protection over our travels and for our children left here. I'll be praying for Will as he waits for us--that supernaturally, he'd know we are coming for him and when he sees us, that his heart would find peace and not fear. There are so many teeny tiny details to pray over, but I'm going to continue to voice them all. Because my God is a God of details and He shows me He loves me by smoothing out the wrinkles of life. Pray with me!
 Will turned two on May 16th and we celebrated by having a special evening in his honor. We prayed for him and for China. Thought you might like to see some photos!

We baked a cake. Chocolate with cream cheese frosting. Ben thought it would be best to bake the cake while wearing just underwear????? We enjoyed sampling the cake too! We made home-made cards and read about the province that Will lives in (Guangxi). His province is one of the poorest and most undeveloped provinces in all of China. We prayed for all the fatherless sleeping there that night.

This is the last year that Will's birthday will go uncelebrated. May 16, 2013 will be the first birthday of his new life. Praise God!

Turning a Blind Eye

 The king's heart is a stream of water in the hand of the LORD;
  he turns it wherever he will.
(Proverbs 21:1 ESV)

       Today God gave me a very clear reminder that He is in control--of everything and everyone. As I was getting ready to go to sleep last night, Brent came in holding a copy of our home study (never good). He'd been working on our application for funds from Lifesong and while he was gathering documents, he happened to notice the date of expiration printed on our home study: November 30, 2011. Impossible. We've only had our home study completed for about four months or so and it's valid for a year. The date should read November 30, 2012!! This sounds like such a trivial thing. An error. A typo. To the Chinese government, however, it's reason to kick your paperwork back along with the gift of at least a 2 month delay. I didn't panic ( well, I shrieked in horror on the inside). Then I prayed that the Lord would fix this somehow. I checked that paperwork 1,000 times and never caught that error. Brent checked it. Lifeline checked it. All God's Children checked it. It had gotten past all of us.

    This morning we fired off an email to our social worker at AGCI and waited for a response. We just got delayed two months--could I stand another delay? Yes. If God wills it...we'll wait longer. Our social worker responded after checking with several colleagues and couldn't believe that we had gotten through the immigration approval process with that error. We were granted our I-800A several months ago. They hadn't noticed. And then today, we were officially notified that we've been logged into the computer with the CCWA. They hadn't noticed either. I firmly believe that God turned their eyes away from that date and allowed us to proceed.

   At this point, we believe that if our home study agency corrects the date for our records and we travel with a corrected copy of the home study--we'll be OK. It may pop up and cause a problem in the future, but at this point we are exactly where God wants us to be in this journey. There is such peace in knowing that He turns the hearts (and eyes) of immigration workers, government officials--whomever He chooses.

 I have to smile in my heart when so many high-ranking, important people think that they hold our adoption in their hands. Like paper dolls, God is maneuvering them as He wills and ultimately our adoption lay in His mighty hands. Amen to that!     



A few things...

     I'd love to say that it's laundry, baking, gardening, and cleaning which defer my attention from blogging, but I'm honest. It's books and fatigue. I find myself so tired these days. If I do have a little evening spurt of energy, then I head to the couch with my book of choice instead of sitting to write. I just possess enough energy to make my eyes move from left to right across the page. Writing requires many functions of the brain. Functions which tend to shut down after 8pm.
 But it's a bright, beautiful noon-ish here in Birmingham, and I wanted to write with some updates and thoughts. Let's start with my favorite topic, our son Will. Our dossier is safely in China for translation. FINALLY. We've had some delays, but it's just a relief to know that paperwork is a thing of the past. It will take about 2-3 months for all of our documents to be translated and reviewed. I pity whoever has that job! They'll issue a letter of confirmation after that. So that's where we are right now--waiting for letter of confirmation (LOC). I'm trying to find things to occupy my time like exercising (see how desperate I am!), cleaning out closets, making endless lists of things to buy for our trip etc... etc... Occasionally, it works and I'm distracted and don't think about the wait. More often, I see Will's picture on the fridge and ache for him.

  Speaking of pictures. We were delighted to receive two new pictures of Will just a couple of weeks ago. I'm so comforted by how healthy he looks and how big! He's 27lbs and all his other measurements are within the normal range. Praise God! He is being well taken care of. I believe he's ready to shoot deer in Alabama, judging by his outfit. Remind me to make a list of clothing needs! The next one is my favorite. He just looks like a tiny little boy. I want to scoop him up and kiss him when I see this photo. So cute! I'm so thankful to God for this confirmation that our son is well and thankful for those who traveled to the orphanage to photograph him. They cannot possibly know what it means to waiting families. I expect that this will be the only update we'll receive before we travel and see him in the flesh! 

Which brings us to travel time. We had been looking at the beginning of the summer, but it seems that August/September is a more realistic time frame. Although the waiting is difficult, both Brent and I have such trust in God's timing and we know that we will meet Will at the perfect time that God appointed. He is paving the way for this union and we are praying that he is smoothing the details as we sit here waiting expectantly. Many of you have asked how you can specifically pray for us. I'd like to share the following requests so that when the Lord puts us on your heart, you'll be able to intercede specifically: 1. Please pray that God will prepare hearts- the hearts of the workers who have cared for Will since he was 14 days old; for Will who has little to no idea about his impending adoption; and for the government workers who we will stand before during our court appointments. May our hearts be prepared also! Pray that we will be able to love the Chinese people and that the Lord's light will radiate from our faces. Pray that we will be able to love Will unconditionally and cling to Christ through the difficult times that we know are coming. Pray for the hearts of our children as we make this huge transition.

2. Please pray for the remaining funds needed for this adoption. I believe we lack $10,000 which sounds ominus, but Praise GOD! He was provided over $20,000 already. We need flight costs to be low when we book and other fluctuating costs to be minimal. I know my God can do this.

3. Please pray for the remainder of the process. Pray that God would safeguard our documents and that they would be attended to in a timely fashion. I pray that He would put people in our path who might be open to hearing about the love of Jesus. I want our trip to China to be more than a trip to retrieve Will. I want this trip to be a glimpse into a world where all heavenly light is surpressed. I need my eyes opened and heart stirred to labor and pray for this country. Deep down in my soul, I know that I am going to fall in love with China and its people just like I did with Czech and the beautiful people there.

With spring break upon us, I hope to write more about some things God has been teaching and showing me during this time. I am constantly amazed at the depth of love and involvement my savior has in my life. I shouldn't be amazed. He loved me enough to die for me. May my amazement be turned into never-ending gratitude.

I NEED CAKE!

  Talking via phone with anyone affiliated with local or state government entities...makes me want to eat cake. I mean, eat the entire sheet cake in under five minutes, flat. I mean, just got-out-of-prison eat. Why? Here's a recap of today's conversations when trying to get information about having adoption documents county certified. Apparently, I would have had better luck had I called and asked the shoe size of the current President of the United States.
...ring, ring.... Kerry optimistically ready with pen and paper to take down details. HA!
Stranger #1: Hello, Jefferson County Courthouse.
Kerry: Yes, I was wondering if I could speak with the person in charge of county certifying documents for adoption purposes.
Stranger #1- Er...I don't know what that is.
Kerry: Well, it's where the county certifies the notary signature on documents for adoption.
Stranger #1- Um, call this number. (Click.)
Kerry dials phone number 2. Still perky.
Stranger # 2: Hello. Judge So and So's office.
Kerry: repeats directive from above.
Stranger #2- That's not this office. It's either circuit court or district court. Try both of these numbers.
Kerry dials phone number 3
Stranger #3- No, that's not us. Try the other number.
Kerry has put down pen and pencil and is now sensing elevation of blood pressure.
Stranger #4- No, we don't do that here. Try probate court. Here's the number.
Deep exhale. Kerry dials phone number 4 and thinks about how similar this is to calling Charter with a technical problem..
Stranger #5- Well, you're close. All adoption-related issues are done in Judge Whoever's office. Call blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah.
Kerry now has no assurance that anyone in that entire building has ever heard of county certifying documents.
Dials sixth number.
Stranger #6 (but who's counting?)- No, we only deal with US adoptions once the international adoption has taken place. Call Circuit Civil Court on the 4th floor. I don't know the number, though.
Kerry: Will the main operator have the number?
Stranger #6 (who is probably doing crossword puzzle while speaking to me)- No. She got laid off. Try the blue section of the yellow pages.
Kerry slams head downwards onto table.
Minutes later and after a renewed sense of determination--Kerry consults yellow pages and finds phone number to Circuit Civil Court.
Kerry notes that it's the same number she called on attempt number 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Head back down on table. Kerry punts to Brent to find out information. Kerry wants cake.

 Unfortunately, this scenario is not that uncommon when trying to accomplish something in the adoption process. It's crazy frustrating. It leaves you asking the question: Shouldn't this be easier? I've been thinking about that a lot lately. Why isn't adoption just plain easier? I think you really have to want it. You have to be so motivated by love for that child that you just perservere through the cost, the inconvenience, the government red-tape, the hours of training--all of it. And when the day comes that I can hold that boy's face in my hands, I'll be able to tell him that we fought for him...and it was worth it all.
 Our adoption by Christ wasn't easy, was it? Tim Keller writes in King's Cross: "Through Jesus Christ, an infinite cost to himself, God has clothed us in costly clean garments. It cost him his blood." Our adoption cost Jesus his life. There is no greater price. 
 With that thought in mind, we press on. We re-do documents, write large checks, battle on the phones for information because it's part of the cost of wanting that little boy like God wanted me. And when I think about the millions of orphans remaining, I remember that Christ would have died for just one. And so we fight for just one.