And we came home. Eighteen hours on a plane and our son left the life that was and entered the life that is to come. And the grieving began again. Smells. Sounds. Faces. Language. It's all so totally different and we took it away from him. During the day he's exhilarated by new playmates, wide open spaces, and toys which do all sorts of bewildering things. He's exploring and interacting and experimenting. But when the lights dim and sleep comes, the sorrowful, guttural cries of mourning begin again with no end in sight. 12:30 up. 4:00 am up. He calls for his foster mother by name and she doesn't come. He won't come into my arms or be consoled by me because I'm not the mother he wants. I was prepared for this, but it still hurts. It makes me feel less than because a mother can always soothe her child, can't she? And I do feel like he's my child. He reaches for Brent in this tug-of-war between I want you and I don't want you. We just let him cry hoping that he'll gradually purge the sadness and allow us to fill him up with new love. Hoping.
There's so much to relate to in this little boy. On the outside, he looks in tact--like any other child. You have to look hard for the subtle crack that runs through him. But it's there because his pain is a result of The Fall. There would be no orphans without the sin of the world, right? His pain might be different from yours and mine, but we're all damaged by The Fall carrying a multitude of wounds and scars from a life removed from perfection. He doesn't know he's been rescued and I live daily like I haven't been. Oh, how I search for lasting comfort in things that can't provide it. I'm looking into Will's sad black eyes and saying, "I'm here." He doesn't hear it and right now he doesn't want to. He pushes against it with an alarming strength of will. Similarly, my Savior stands before me offering the same acceptance despite my ugliness, yearning to give me rest and I turn my head in child-like defiance seeking to rest in my own self. When will we both just collapse into the arms of peace?
When the world feels like it's gone just a little bit crazy, you have to focus on what you know to be true. Everything in me is hating these early days when I feel like I'm auditioning for Will's trust. How can I morph myself in to what he wants? I can't. I don't know what it is that he wants or needs, but I do know that his being in our family is right. That's about the only thing that I am certain of right now and it's enough for me to keep going. I can come back to this truth when I'm tired and crying. I can come back to this truth when the children are wondering what we've done to our family. I can come back to this truth when it feels like we've been derailed and taken hostage by a screaming two-year old ball of pain. The other truth I cling to is that the Lord equips those he calls. He told us to do this and so he will lead. Personally, I'd like the direct route through the forest to the clearing where I'll find unicorns and dancing fairies. We never like to suffer. I despise rawness and vulnerability and weakness and desperation...but God loves it in me. He created me to need. To need him. He just wants to hear me say it. I'm saying it now.
Father-
I need you, Lord. I can't do this without you because I'm cracked and broken, unsure and wandering. Hold me like the orphan that I was before you came into my life and owned me. Steady me with the strong hand of a Father lavishly loving his daughter. Begin to remake me and close up the cracks. Be my balm. Help me to want you. Help me to turn to you and fall into the arms that wait for me. Safe arms. The arms that opened wide for me on the cross now fall around my shoulders in a tight embrace. Stay close and when I call your name, come running like the dependable parent that you are. Meet my needs in ways that astound me because your resources are limitless. Pour your power into me so that I might raise a family reflective of your glory. Be my everything.
I ask humbly in your name,
Amen.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
On top of a mountain
Yesterday we went to White Cloud Mountain. It was several degrees cooler, overcast and gorgeous. It was a lovely break from the city. We rode a cable car up the mountain and had lunch. We walked around and played and then took a golf cart down. I'll let the photos do the talking. Very restful day.
Today we spent our morning doing paperwork at the US Consulate so that we'll have a valid Visa for Will tomorrow afternoon. Everything went so smoothly. Thanks be to God. He has blessed every step of this trip --we've not had one single issue. When I lay down in the evenings and begin my prayers, I am so thankful for His grace and mercy. I have felt His peace throughout this trip and it has grown my love for him. I have so much more to share once home--things that I just can't write here. Let it just be said that I will never be the same.
Today we spent our morning doing paperwork at the US Consulate so that we'll have a valid Visa for Will tomorrow afternoon. Everything went so smoothly. Thanks be to God. He has blessed every step of this trip --we've not had one single issue. When I lay down in the evenings and begin my prayers, I am so thankful for His grace and mercy. I have felt His peace throughout this trip and it has grown my love for him. I have so much more to share once home--things that I just can't write here. Let it just be said that I will never be the same.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
It's just been 8 days.
We've had William for eight days. That's all. It seems like much longer. He's beginning to feel like a natural extension of myself and Brent, and we can honestly say that we love him. It's an early love, but its present. This is the work of the Holy Spirit and of praying friends like you all.
I'm still struggling with how to interact with a sweet boy who loves to express himself but whose opinions and observations are meaningless to me. Brent helped me by reminding me that babies babble all the time as they develop. We don't understand it, but we respond and interact, question and joke. So Will is my two-year old baby who happens to babble in perfect Mandarin. :) It's really only hard when I need to explain something to him or reassure him of something. He is such a strong coper, I believe, because his foster mother explained everything fully to him without ever holding back or babying him. I cannot do that for him and so our actions seem arbitrary and that causes me anxiety. Example: Today it was time for Will to take a nap after a full morning of activity. We said the words for sleep and he began crying (a first since we've had him). We let him play for a few more minutes, but then I picked him up and laid him in his crib for his rest. World War broke out. Kicking, screaming at the top of his lungs, crying till his nose became a fountain of snot, etc... Tantrum city. He did not want to sleep and I had no language to assist me. Brent did go over to the crib and sternly say no several times and after about five minutes of hot, angry convulsions he fell asleep. The whole scenario was ugly and I hope it's not the new normal, but he's starting to test us and see what we're going to do when he exerts his preference and his will. He can't understand us and we can't understand him. I'm sure we are going to wrestle greatly with how to discipline him when we can't communicate well with him. Some behaviors need to be addressed from the start and so we're just blindly groping at how to calm his outbursts and yet still trust us. It's the messy side of adoption. One of many. I need patience. I need grace. When he's screaming and crying and can't tell me how he feels--I get angry. I feel like a failure. I want to quit. But his smiles and laughter outweigh the tantrums and this spurs me on. Eight days will soon be twelve which will soon be twenty which will turn into sixty etc...
On a lighter note--I've recorded some of the funnier things that have happened on our trip so that you can laugh along with us. What an adventure.
1. Chinese Waitress: (in perfect English)--"Do you speak Chinese?"
Me: "No. Do you speak English?"
Chinese Waitress: "No." Turns and walks away.
2. Chinese shop owner to Brent: "Ooooh your son looks just like you! "
Brent: ????????????
We think she just wanted us to spend more money in her shop!
3. Chinese hotel worker to me: "Oh is this your son? He looks very Chinese!"
Me: "He is Chinese."
Hotel worker: Looks confused.
** I wanted so badly to say, "Didn't you know what when two whites make a baby it somehow comes out Chinese?"
4. Brent said the Chinese word for pee pee when Will was preparing for his bath and was diaper-less. We were hoping he'd go to the potty as he is potty trained, but it's becoming undone. Instead, he assumed the Chinese squat position and was about to go right there on the hotel room carpet. Luckily, he was scooped up rather quickly. Mess avoided.
Keep smiling, right? Find the humor, right? We're trying.
I'm still struggling with how to interact with a sweet boy who loves to express himself but whose opinions and observations are meaningless to me. Brent helped me by reminding me that babies babble all the time as they develop. We don't understand it, but we respond and interact, question and joke. So Will is my two-year old baby who happens to babble in perfect Mandarin. :) It's really only hard when I need to explain something to him or reassure him of something. He is such a strong coper, I believe, because his foster mother explained everything fully to him without ever holding back or babying him. I cannot do that for him and so our actions seem arbitrary and that causes me anxiety. Example: Today it was time for Will to take a nap after a full morning of activity. We said the words for sleep and he began crying (a first since we've had him). We let him play for a few more minutes, but then I picked him up and laid him in his crib for his rest. World War broke out. Kicking, screaming at the top of his lungs, crying till his nose became a fountain of snot, etc... Tantrum city. He did not want to sleep and I had no language to assist me. Brent did go over to the crib and sternly say no several times and after about five minutes of hot, angry convulsions he fell asleep. The whole scenario was ugly and I hope it's not the new normal, but he's starting to test us and see what we're going to do when he exerts his preference and his will. He can't understand us and we can't understand him. I'm sure we are going to wrestle greatly with how to discipline him when we can't communicate well with him. Some behaviors need to be addressed from the start and so we're just blindly groping at how to calm his outbursts and yet still trust us. It's the messy side of adoption. One of many. I need patience. I need grace. When he's screaming and crying and can't tell me how he feels--I get angry. I feel like a failure. I want to quit. But his smiles and laughter outweigh the tantrums and this spurs me on. Eight days will soon be twelve which will soon be twenty which will turn into sixty etc...
On a lighter note--I've recorded some of the funnier things that have happened on our trip so that you can laugh along with us. What an adventure.
1. Chinese Waitress: (in perfect English)--"Do you speak Chinese?"
Me: "No. Do you speak English?"
Chinese Waitress: "No." Turns and walks away.
2. Chinese shop owner to Brent: "Ooooh your son looks just like you! "
Brent: ????????????
We think she just wanted us to spend more money in her shop!
3. Chinese hotel worker to me: "Oh is this your son? He looks very Chinese!"
Me: "He is Chinese."
Hotel worker: Looks confused.
** I wanted so badly to say, "Didn't you know what when two whites make a baby it somehow comes out Chinese?"
4. Brent said the Chinese word for pee pee when Will was preparing for his bath and was diaper-less. We were hoping he'd go to the potty as he is potty trained, but it's becoming undone. Instead, he assumed the Chinese squat position and was about to go right there on the hotel room carpet. Luckily, he was scooped up rather quickly. Mess avoided.
Keep smiling, right? Find the humor, right? We're trying.
Shamian Island
Yesterday we went to Shamian Island to shop. Now this is the outing I've been waiting for! It's where the tourists can find all the locally made souvenirs such as fans, silks, jade etc.. Small shops line the walkways and we casually spent a few hours browsing and picking up gifts for the children. We also began to purchase "Gottcha Day" gifts that we will give to Will each year on August 27 to commemorate the day that he became ours. We picked up a stamp carved with his Chinese name, a glass coy fish Christmas tree ornament, a small carved wooden frog which makes a croaking sound when you run a wooden stick up its back. We picked up several small things and then a beautiful hand-carved chess set to give to him when he's fifteen or so. We are planning on buying some Chinese pearls for him to give to his wife one day also. We pray that these little reminders of his culture will be treasured as he ages.
We ate lunch at Lucy's on the island and then headed home for rest time. It was a nice, slow morning. He slept beautifully and even had his shower without any tears or fears (this has taken 7 days to accomplish). Below are some pictures taken on the island and some of our little guy after bath time. I think I've mentioned his absolute obsession with Angry Birds and shoes in particular. The shoes pictured are always always on. He loves them.
Tomorrow we are heading to a famous mountain here in Guangzhou. Pics to come!
We ate lunch at Lucy's on the island and then headed home for rest time. It was a nice, slow morning. He slept beautifully and even had his shower without any tears or fears (this has taken 7 days to accomplish). Below are some pictures taken on the island and some of our little guy after bath time. I think I've mentioned his absolute obsession with Angry Birds and shoes in particular. The shoes pictured are always always on. He loves them.
Tomorrow we are heading to a famous mountain here in Guangzhou. Pics to come!
Monday, September 3, 2012
This one is for the ladies.
I have to post quickly about the fashion here in China. It is not at all what I expected and every day is like a live fashion show. There are some seriously beautiful Asian women here (as Brent has noted SEVERAL times). The normal wear on the streets is very formal which I find surprising--dresses, skirts (the shorter the better is apparently the rule of thumb) and high-heeled shoes. Oh the shoes! We've been to a few malls here and the shoe stores dominate. I've never seen such colorful, fanciful shoes in any US city. For all you shoe-lovers out there, I thought I'd snap a few shots of the latest trends in stores here (starting about $85 a pair). I wanted to take many many more photos but an employee was looking at me and so I stopped. :)
Who wants to wear these to Target 280?
BTW- I could totally rock the Chinese fashions here, but by Asian standards I'm some 130lbs overweight. Oddly enough, my Keens are not getting any second glances. They appear rather like circus shoes compared to what's on the street. Oh well.
Who wants to wear these to Target 280?
BTW- I could totally rock the Chinese fashions here, but by Asian standards I'm some 130lbs overweight. Oddly enough, my Keens are not getting any second glances. They appear rather like circus shoes compared to what's on the street. Oh well.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Zoo Guangzhou
Going to post lots of pictures today. We had a fun time at the zoo despite the unbearable heat. I loved seeing the pandas especially!
Had a good evening last night. Ate Mexican food at a nearby restaurant where there were many adopting families eating. It was touching to see all the youngsters with their new parents. We've met many people here and hope to keep in contact with them once home. God is good to provide us with support and friendships while away.
Had a good evening last night. Ate Mexican food at a nearby restaurant where there were many adopting families eating. It was touching to see all the youngsters with their new parents. We've met many people here and hope to keep in contact with them once home. God is good to provide us with support and friendships while away.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Paging Dr. Crazyville
We started our morning off with a wonderful breakfast at our hotel. The buffet is HUGE with everything from noodles to bacon, eggs, donuts etc... Will had fruit, waffles, congi (which is a watery rice) and some water to drink. The boy is a serious eater. He doesn't like the baby utensils I packed for him. He wants to eat with adult forks, spoons, or with chop sticks. Yep, the two year old can eat independently with chopsticks. It's adorable.
From there we headed to the clinic for the doctors to review Will's medical and to give him a general look over, a check with the ENT doctor and to have a TB skin test. It was sheer chaos. There were probably two hundred people there--each following their guide and jumping from line to line. I thought Will was going to meltdown, but he didn't. He cried a little but really was very brave indeed. He did not like the TB skin test, but it was nothing that a few cheerios couldn't cure. He perked up and was great during the visit.
That afternoon we went and explored the hotel and the surrounding area. We found a fun mall to explore and enjoyed looking at all the products. We get lots of stares from the locals. Some are nice....some not so much :) It's ok, though. We just smile and keep walking (although I did shoot a dirty look at one old lady who honestly turned around and scowled at us for about 5 full minutes). What's her deal?
We ate dinner at an Italian place by the hotel. It was great. I had lasagna and Brent reunited with his old friend, pizza. It was quiet and relaxing in the restaurant and we needed that. Love having time just the three of us to get to know Will. Here are some general observations and details about him:
1. Shower time is getting better. Less crying now. We still get the job done quickly though hoping not to rock the boat.
2. We brushed his teeth yesterday and he was great! Surprised.
3. The boy talks non-stop. We're quite sure that we'll learn Mandarin before he learns English. It's really cute and we've had several locals tell us how abnormal it is for a boy his age to speaking in such long, complicated sentences. I really hate that we can't understand him. I worry that he thinks we're ignoring him, but we try to comment on what he's saying with enthusiasm :)
4. He can count to 30 in Chinese and can correctly identify Chinese money. This goes back to his foster parents having run a small shop. He knows the bills! We're keeping an eye on Brent's wallet from now on.
5. He's a whiz at the computer. His foster dad played computer games with him so he can play Angry Birds and navigate his way around the iPad perfectly. It is something to see. He has a great memory. There are clearly no developmental delays. In fact, the orphanage staff believes he's ahead of the curve for a boy of two. I concur!
6. He is very affectionate which I'm so thankful for. You all know how my Ben is so I was worried that Will just wouldn't be ok with smooching and hugging, but he is! He hugs us and kisses us and lets me rub his cheek when he's falling asleep. It's just sweetness!
Below are some pictures from our day at the doctor and shots of our beautiful hotel here. Zoo blog to follow!
From there we headed to the clinic for the doctors to review Will's medical and to give him a general look over, a check with the ENT doctor and to have a TB skin test. It was sheer chaos. There were probably two hundred people there--each following their guide and jumping from line to line. I thought Will was going to meltdown, but he didn't. He cried a little but really was very brave indeed. He did not like the TB skin test, but it was nothing that a few cheerios couldn't cure. He perked up and was great during the visit.
That afternoon we went and explored the hotel and the surrounding area. We found a fun mall to explore and enjoyed looking at all the products. We get lots of stares from the locals. Some are nice....some not so much :) It's ok, though. We just smile and keep walking (although I did shoot a dirty look at one old lady who honestly turned around and scowled at us for about 5 full minutes). What's her deal?
We ate dinner at an Italian place by the hotel. It was great. I had lasagna and Brent reunited with his old friend, pizza. It was quiet and relaxing in the restaurant and we needed that. Love having time just the three of us to get to know Will. Here are some general observations and details about him:
1. Shower time is getting better. Less crying now. We still get the job done quickly though hoping not to rock the boat.
2. We brushed his teeth yesterday and he was great! Surprised.
3. The boy talks non-stop. We're quite sure that we'll learn Mandarin before he learns English. It's really cute and we've had several locals tell us how abnormal it is for a boy his age to speaking in such long, complicated sentences. I really hate that we can't understand him. I worry that he thinks we're ignoring him, but we try to comment on what he's saying with enthusiasm :)
4. He can count to 30 in Chinese and can correctly identify Chinese money. This goes back to his foster parents having run a small shop. He knows the bills! We're keeping an eye on Brent's wallet from now on.
5. He's a whiz at the computer. His foster dad played computer games with him so he can play Angry Birds and navigate his way around the iPad perfectly. It is something to see. He has a great memory. There are clearly no developmental delays. In fact, the orphanage staff believes he's ahead of the curve for a boy of two. I concur!
6. He is very affectionate which I'm so thankful for. You all know how my Ben is so I was worried that Will just wouldn't be ok with smooching and hugging, but he is! He hugs us and kisses us and lets me rub his cheek when he's falling asleep. It's just sweetness!
Below are some pictures from our day at the doctor and shots of our beautiful hotel here. Zoo blog to follow!
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